Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this a threat?

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.