Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain