Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

🤣🤣💀

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY