Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too