Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

can’t catch a break

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

RT if you could go either way.

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

I have never related to anyone more.

Feels

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

moms in horror movies

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.