Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT