Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

im all 3

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.