Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
You Might Also Like
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?