Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.