Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
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My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?