Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it