Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mistakes were made

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

When my son was little he asked me where poo came from. So I went thru this awkwardly disgusting story explaining the process.
He looked up at me confused with a quivering lip and said….. and Tigger?

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

He a real one for that

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.