Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

My age is news to me every single time I remember

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

A little too much information.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

🔦🌙👣

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away