Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!