MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

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Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.


E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.


Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog


MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy


If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.


[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys


“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.


Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!