MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar