Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

😂

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.