Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

This classic never gets old . . .

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE