mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.