Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?