mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Don’t talk down to me
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
How dramatic are you?
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Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.