Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

Florida be like…

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

I thought this was funny lol

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?