Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
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me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Tuesday
getting seasonal up in here
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.