Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.