Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
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Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Seems legit
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Potatoes were such a good idea
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket