@sarcasticmommy4

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

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@TheAlexNevil

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

@bingowings14

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

@markleggett

A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.

@Laser_Cat

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

@Love_bug1016

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

@Smethanie

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

@PColemanchester

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.