Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective