Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

#Caturday

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke