Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Breaking news:

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”