*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
You are what you delete.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
