Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.