Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

My last name is Zilla.

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?