Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

dude it’s called proctologist

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling