Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

God, I love Scotland

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi