Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Nice try Hitler

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Morning my dudes.

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.