Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
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Breakfast for Stoners:
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
🙋♀️
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”