Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

This made me chuckle.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know