Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…