Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.