Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Denise please return my vape pen
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Fight
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.