Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.