Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
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“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
what the hell girl, sure
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away