Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Brother?

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.