Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

The most important meal of the day is the next one

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks