Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

Can Happiness buy money?

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Hoping to spice up my evening

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.