Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other