Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.