MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
You Might Also Like
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄