Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.