MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
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[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan