Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry…what?

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

me refusing to leave twitter

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars