Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad