Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.