Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

why am I working on Labor Day

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.