Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
You Might Also Like
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Running your mouth is not cardio.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.