Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
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One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Challenge accepted.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.