Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Breaking news:
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.