Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
yikes
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat