Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?