Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.