Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?


When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.


Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.


According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.


*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy


THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week


ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys


If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go


I’d like to stab you now.

Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.


Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.