like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
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When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I’d like to stab you now.
Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.