Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts