Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when she block me on everything

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Bear knowledge

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice