Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.