Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

#Caturday

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”