Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye