Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

From my Mom

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it