Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.