Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

ㅤ

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50