Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”

don’t message me unless you have this energy

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Creative Problem Solving

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol