Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

when revenge coincides with naptime

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.