Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
You Might Also Like
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
me hitting on a model
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.