Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?