Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
You are not alone 💚
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.