Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now