Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Well, this explains it:

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.