“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Things will get butter, keep churning
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer