Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy