“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are