“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
