“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
respect
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
*launders Kohls cash*